My name is Landon Heath Wigley, my shoe size is 10, and my mother still makes my lunches. In my 5th consecutive year of being alive I entered the Bermuda triangle. It was never seen again. My life is viewed on national television upon the request of Chuck Norris. I'm currently serving 3 back-to-back life sentences in the comfort of my living room. The charge: accusations of having the softest hair in the world. Occasionally, I walk my dog.

     Using only bacon grease, an empty bottle, and my left shoe I toppled the Somalian government. In year 13 of my inspirational existence I was offered a record deal for my rendition of "Thriller" by Michael Jackson played entirely on a kazoo. Once, I hit a baseball so far into the sky it was deemed an UN-identified flying object. I eat chicken wings. I've watched the Pittsburgh Pirates participate in a game of Rochambeau. George stayed with Lennie because I told him to. Kenny Powers envies me, Roger Waters idolizes me, Zdeno Chara scares me.

     I taught Chad Ochocinco how to catch a football, I taught Junior Dos Santos how to fight, I taught myself to drive standard. Turtles like me. Upon  called the songbird of my era; my voice is a mix of Fergie, and Jesus. A cop pulled me over once for excessive speeding. I let him off with a warning.

My goal in life is to live happily, to live prosperously, and to live freely. To accomplish these things I must first attend college.